Why would you want to know about your shadow?

As an Integrative Coach I work with our 'shadow sides'. They are the good and the bad parts in us that either help us or prevent us from doing what we want to do. Acknowledging our good and bad traits, our personality characteristics, and fully accepting them and using them, has changed many lives. Ask my clients!

What is our shadow, our dark side?

Our shadow is the un-owned side of our personality-- the parts that we hide or don't like in ourselves. Our shadow is the storehouse for all the unaccepted parts of ourselves- the aspects we pretend not to be, the parts that embarrass us. The faces we don't want to show, and the parts we don't think we have, but that we surely dislike in others. Also they are the glamorous, caring qualities we see in others and wished we had more of.

You'll want to know about your shadow when

• When you are ready to challenge the person you think you are, in order to unveil the person you are capable of becoming. Or, said in a different way: if you want to be free to be who you know you can be, you need to accept all of yourself- the good, the bad, the strong and the weak, the awesome and the negative. Then, you will truly be able to make your own choices.

• When you don't feel loved enough, or when you feel worthless, when you feel people don't treat you the way 'they should'. When you are tired of being fearful and you want to connect to your courage. When you feel others have power over you...

• When you want to find the positive side of the hated part in you.

• When you are ready to not feel so 'small' anymore.

• When you have enough of those nagging voices in your head which always know better (you should have, if only, why didn't you..)

• When you understand that one cannot become 'enlightened' by merely imagining figures of 'light,' but rather by becoming conscious of the 'darkness.'

• The gift of knowing and owning your shadow is that you can use that disliked part of yourself when necessary. There are times when it is useful to be lazy, greedy, mistrusting, magnificent, whiny, beautiful, etc.

How do we get to know our shadow?

The easiest way is to look at other people and to see in them what throws us off balance. For example, I used to dislike people who seem very greedy, or people who acted 'very loud'. The idea is that we attract whomever and whatever we need to mirror back the parts of ourselves that we don't accept, never realized, or have forgotten. So, I myself, realized that I didn't allow myself to be greedy or loud.
The reality is that every person embodies all possible traits. And if we understand this, we can stop pretending that we are 'not everything'. I learned to recognize that I sometimes need to be loud, that it serves me to be greedy when the bank account is empty.

The key is to understand that there is nothing that we can see or perceive that we are not or could not be. If we do not perceive a certain quality in ourselves, we could not recognize it in another person. It doesn't mean that you are like the other person. You just have that particular quality too, recognized or not.

Why do we not know about our shadow?

Most of were not educated about this. We, like our parents, want to give others the illusion that we are okay. So we all have masks. To get to know the shadow, we need courage to look at ourselves honestly, and that can make a person feel vulnerable. Do we allow ourselves to be that?

You no longer need one or more masks when you know yourself, when you have accepted all the ugly and the marvelous parts. When you understand that you're essentially not different from any other person, you feel more connected with the people around you.

Still, I don't feel like looking at the stuff I rather hide

The truth is that we cannot deny our 'dark side.' It keeps popping up, especially when we are stressed, tired, hungry, or vulnerable, etc. We yell at our children, hate our life, eat way too much, don't take care of ourselves, we are mad at the world, or our spouse and our spaces are cluttered... The tougher we present ourselves to others the more we hide our vulnerability. And, ironically, the people around us know our shadow! Whether they express it or not.

If only we realize that there is a gift waiting for us when we accept our 'dark side'! For example, look at a 'strong' emotion: you feel hate. What is the gift of your hate? First, we must feel and recognize the feeling. Know that we feel, be okay with the fact that we feel. Then, look at that feeling of hate without judgment and ask yourself what it 'brings' you. And then you find out that it gives you distance, for example, from a certain situation or a particular person. If that is what you need, then embrace the hate, accept it. And then see what becomes of your hate. I guarantee you that something positive will happen.

Another example: you dislike people who behave like 'an idiot'. You can see this in someone else, spot it a mile away. It really means that you dislike the idiot in yourself. The questions are: why can you not allow yourself to be an idiot, and when in your life did you stop allowing yourself to be an idiot? And then: what is the gift of not being an idiot? Turns out that you worked hard at being smart and interesting. The drive and determination can be seen as gifts because they helped you to get where you are right now.

And one can see, now that you look at 'the idiot' without judgment, merely examining it, that fighting against 'being an idiot' robs you of the right to choose. To choose what you are able to do with your life, your moods, your talents and your creativity instead of busying yourself proving that you are not an idiot.

Unraveling our mask is a challenge and an adventure. The ego begins to lose control and tries to keep a lid on the pot. It has been instructed for so long to not let the truth out.

In my opinion, it is important to understand that the reward of the work on ourselves is that we become who we truly are. (So, in our example, you can be an idiot in public without beating yourself up, having fun with it.) This means that we are able to have better relationships and feel more free, feel more powerful inside and more loving towards ourselves. We don't have to prove ourselves to others, trying to show that we are not this but that.

When we are more 'whole', when we accept all of who we are and that we embody all our traits, we naturally gravitate to those other people who are whole, who reflect 'our wholeness'. That is exciting, because we have more honest relationships, we can be vulnerable, we can give true feedback and we are loved for the imperfect person that we are.

It takes compassion to own a part of ourselves that we previously disowned. It is a shift in perception, a change in the lenses we look through.

And, yes, everyone has the ability to shine light on our own dark and light sides. However, it will only happen if your desire to change your life for the better is stronger than your desire to stay the same.

As a Master Integrative Coach in the Shadow Work, I can promise you to be there with you while taking you through a 4-month process to reveal the blocks (shadow beliefs) that are in the way of you living your best

In support,
Mooniek Seebregts,
Master Integrative Coach and Life Coach, Divorce Coach

Office in Sacramento USA: (1)-916-760-8754
Office in The Netherlands, Europe: 31 (0) 06- 534-17107

Recommended books:
The Dark Side Of The Light Chasers,
Secret of the Shadow written by Debbie Ford.

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